Big Blank Canvas

For the past five years I’ve been very vanilla. Playing it safe. I didn’t know that I could push myself. I was and still am an optimist who is capable of being “happy” doing pretty much anything. However, what I didn’t realize at the time is that for me, being happy doesn’t always mean being fulfilled, challenged and appreciated. Now that I know this, I’ll never go back.

I was on “the” track: Leave Home, Go to College, Meet a Guy, Get a Good Job, Fall in Love, Get Married, Buy a House, ect. But somewhere in between fall in love and get married, I failed to remember that there is no such thing as a track. I just thought I was doing what was expected and that eventually I’d get to a place where I had “made it”. After drawing out a relationship far longer than I should have, he one day just said, “I don’t want to do this anymore”. Deep down I was hurt and upset, but also, eventually, relieved. I had become someone I didn’t recognize. The life that I thought that I was supposed to go after; the one where I would get up, walk the dog, go to work, come home, cook dinner and read in bed was one that I pictured doing with an equal partner who joined me in a relationship of mutual respect and understanding. I was going through all of the motions, but realized that my partner that I had chosen wasnt really the person who I had yearned for him to be… and I was trying too hard to make it fit. Realization #1: Dont force a relationship. It doesn’t work.

The week following the breakup was a blur. I went to work dazed and confused. I came home to an empty house for the first time in half of a decade. I relied heavily on my best friends to get me away from the situation until it sunk in enough for me to handle. Realization #2: Great friends are amazing medicine.

So there I was. An adult. Single. Hurt. Scared. And in some way a little excited at the challenge of being where I was. I started to think.. I could do anything! That was the point where I knew I would be ok. I started to realize that I felt BETTER. And vowed to take time to focus on being me and determine what I want out of this life. That’s when I made the list…

I cannot believe that the purpose of life is to be “happy.” I think the purpose of life is to be useful, to be responsible, to be compassionate. It is, above all, to matter and to count, to stand for something, to have made some difference that you lived at all.” – Leo C. Rosten

So there I was. Stuck. Longtime, live-in boyfriend left. Dog left. Job was no longer fulfilling. Ate and spent money to gain temporary satisfaction. Thousands of miles away from family. I was lost, with all of the scribbles from my old canvases running off the page, dripping onto the floor along with the confusion that I had from the screeching halt of my life. Little did I know, that was the most amazing turn around point that I have ever experienced. This blog is my 365 day turn around and dedicated to everyone who, at some point or another will be faced with the exciting task to answer the question: What am I supposed to do now?